Ah, those first few days January!
The bitter cold, the endless leftovers and of course the frantic dash to the shopping centre to return the ill-considered gifts that you assured your friends and relatives were ‘just what you always wanted’.
Not to worry, whatever you received this year I’m sure it pales in comparison to the weird and outlandish goodies bequeathed to these denizens of the Marvel Universe. As a kid (okay, as an adult too) I’d lie awake most December nights hoping that Santa would deem me a good enough boy to receive some of the weird and wonderful gifts seen in the pages of Marvel Comics
So, brighten up your winter woes with Marvel-based merriment as I delve into my Marvellous Christmas list….
Reed Richard’s Universal Translator
Most of my choices on this list come out of pure laziness including this little beauty which translates any language in the universe. It’s mostly used for extraterrestrials but I can only assume it works on other Terran languages. It’s never really explained how it works but if it existed, all those hours spent memorising tenses, intonations, feminine/masculine and all the other things to take into account when learning a new language all of that worry wiped away with a single device…
Fuck you, expensive Rosetta Stone DVDs!
M.O.D.O.K’s Doomsday Chair
M.O.D.O.K. is a cult classic Marvel villain. His own body can’t support his colossal cranium, hence why this hover chair is required. Though most of his abilities are internal it is a basically a mobile weapons platform with missiles launchers and lasers with an almost endless power supply to boot. This chair is the ultimate, you can still get on with everyday menial tasks but without ever having to stand up (not unlike those soft & tubby humans in Wall-E). I’m afraid if these were ever created if I wouldn’t ever walk again…
Star-Lord’s Element Guns
I was surprised that not much emphasis was placed on these incredibly unique and versatile weapons in the 2014 GOTG movie, but to be fair would there have been room for any explanation in a film that had so much world building to do? Initially you could be forgiven for thinking they’re just generic blasters, but look closely and you’ll see that in different parts of the film, they fire a different type of energy. Simply put, these guns fire any of the four elements at any one time. They say variety is the spice of life and who wouldn’t like that kind of choice?
Doctor Doom’s Time Platform
Now I could have chosen Kang’s Sphinx but I’ve always enjoyed the almost Star Trek like raising square effect Doom’s time machine has. It’s been featured in more classic stories than I can name and Doom wins almost every time when it comes to comparisons (he’s like the villainous answer to Batman. Wins. Every. Time.) and let’s face it… there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t wanted a time machine at one point in their life…
Stark Industries Image Inducer
Ever had a day when you didn’t look your best? With this handy-dandy device you’ll never have to worry about your appearance ever again! It produces a full size hologram to cover whatever your own appearance may be. In the Marvel universe it’s mainly used by characters with unconventional appearances e.g. Beast & Nightcrawler to help them blend in amongst the mutant-phobic masses. I think this would be incredibly useful for celebrities or for those trying to avoid loan sharks and the like. Unfortunately it is not a hard light hologram, so if they touch you the jig is up!
But in most situations I find its better to just be yourself…Only Kidding! Go and deceive your nearest and dearest.
Daredevil’s Billy Club
In the beginning DD’s trademark club was an incredible multi-purpose weapon that was not only a stick and a grappling hook but could be transformed into a boomerang or a rifle with a sight (for what that’d be worth for Matt)!?!?! If that didn’t push the boundaries of fantasy enough, it also contained a tape recorder, microphone and gas pellets (I’m not kidding, go look it up), without much thought to how all these different things could possibly work individually while still hitting villains upside the head with the Billy.
This was another thing that irked me about the 2003 film, however the things contained in the club made a lot more sense. Even in some of the more modern comics where the both sticks are identical and attached by the cord I didn’t really love that either. No, my favourite interpretation of DD’s club is beautiful in its simplicity as you can see above beautifully illustrated by Frank Miller. Now everyone loves the idea of using a grappling hook to scale a building, but it must be the Clint Eastwood in me that loves the idea of having a cane I can throw at people that returns to me almost instantly just so I can throw it again. GET OFF MY LAWN!!!
Wizard’s Anti-Grav Discs
Would you like to rise above it all? Or do you want to see your problems float away?? Just slap one of these anti-grav discs on it and they will nullify gravity’s effect on anything. It’s fitting that they call him The Wingless Wizard. I’d want to fly without cumbersome wings and if some things inexplicably disappear like some of my former employers then all the better…
Rocket Racer’s Rocket Skateboard
It’s a remote control, rocket powered skateboard that can go up walls…Nuff Said!
What people forget about Hawkeye minus his circus/sideshow origins is that he also quite tech-savvy and invented his own arrows after being inspired by Iron Man. The variety of arrows is extraordinary, encompassing regular, taser, acid, adamantium, suction cup etc.
But my personal favourite has to be The Pym Particles Arrow which contain hundreds of tiny arrows that grow once the initial arrow has been shot. Pseudoscience Bitch!!!
Ever wanted to walk through walls or be invisible? Because this creepy industrial saboteur has been doing it for years and enjoying every second of it. As impressive as Tony Stark’s stealth tech has gotten he has never found the way to phase through solid matter… Unlike Ghost who can do so but not while invisible and vice versa, which is the only set back with this armour, but imagine the pranks you could pull off…